Got my mind made up.

Freaking crazy night.
Jess and I went out to Mellon Arena to watch the Penguins game on the jumbotron (because that's how we poor folks roll). I had the time of my life. It was beautiful outside--it stayed about 75 the entire night... We won of course, the second game in a 7 game series for the Stanley Cup playoffs. Afterward, we waited for the players to come out for autographs. I got a photo with Eric Godard and Hal Gill's autograph on my sweatshirt. They were really nice guys. Marc-Andre Benjamin only stopped for a minute and his whore girlfriend was in the truck with him, so I didn't get his autograph on my boob or sex like I had planned. We met eyes, however...I will meet him again.
About halfway home, there was a Tahoe that had clearly went over the guard rail on the left side of the road. Debri and glass fucking everywhere. We stopped and I got out to see if he was alright. Honestly, I was too terrified to look into his truck to see if he was alright... there were airbags popping up everywhere. The woman in the car ahead of me made sure he was okay...he came from the game, too. He was ridiculously wasted and his truck was totaled, but all that was visibly wrong with him was a scratch on the bottom of his chin. I was so glad he was even alive. The cops came and shooed us away... I assume he'll be alright.
THEN, after stopping at sheetz to get a frozen coffee, I got pulled over for doing 60 in a 45. Boo. But the officer's name was Chris and he was super nice and let me off with a verbal warning. Perhaps it was how I went about being pulled over. Would you like to hear how it went? Okay, good. So his lights start flashing and I start freaking out in my body going OMGOMGOMGOGMOGM...then I was like, okay switch lanes and get off the road. Then I was like, 4 ways sound like a good idea, so I put them on. THEN, I prepared myself by taking out my license and registration. When he told me he was pulling me over for being so speedy I said, "Boo, yeah I know." He was so kind.
MMmmm I'm tired. Night, world.

U don't know me like U used to.

What do you do when you like someone but the only way to get their attention is by making a total whore of yourself (even though being a whore is totally unlike you) and they're unexperienced so they don't react much, and then afterwards they're completely like, unreadable?

Fuck my motherfucking life.
Help?

oh baby baby

"i heard that you were trouble but i couldn't resist"
so i fucked you through the phone lines
with my eyes closedand touched myself the way you said you'd touch me
seems i think i can get anywhere with seduction these days
but it's just not proving itself very truly.
3 years ago possibly today
i looked into your baby brown eyes and saw
mommy's little heartbreak pulling me by my blond hair
and if you ever wondered, i spent all this time growing it back
because my heart skipped a beat when you told me you'd like me to wear it that way.
if you want, love
you can forget the gold pushcar i shoved you down the hill in
the pool and your backflips and the pictures i took
the fights over your stupid friends(you know i'd never pick them over you anyway)
and how uncomfortable i was, sitting on your baby bed
waiting for you to tell me you loved me or to leave
because either i'm just flat out confused
or maybe you do like a girl that doesn't care back
one that'll push you around the way that you push me
because crazy like your fucking post pubescent mood swings
just isn't seeming to move you much, baby
nor does overthinking your pronunciation of the word "like"
when you're trying to get a rise out of me.
see, my baby left on a south bound train
but maybe it's not him i want back again
maybe i want whoever you are
maybe i don't even want to be your friend
if i could fuck you on the couch and suck off all your hurt
like an exorcism, i would
if i could keep you on the phone just to hear your voice
regardless of how angry it sounds, i would.
i dream of fast rides down the left lane with you
in a car carrying more sex appeal than a shitty old mustang
and i mean this with utmost sincerity.
yesterday i considered getting off on the thought of you crying
just to feel another human, to check to see if you're alive
my motives failed me again, but i don't have another week to wait alone
to see if you'll forgive me for the problems you created.
i lost myself in time it seems but you lost yourself in hell
let's meet in the middle and never look back again.
you'd like to think you're different, but really you're just the same.
i'm sorry for my absence (i'll make it up i promise), but can i yet have you back?

I don't know how I could be any more obvious.

You told me I can do anything I put my mind to. Not a generalized optimistic phrase...ME...I can do whatever I put my mind to. When I want something, I'll get it. You told me this. So whatever happens now because of you having told me that is your fault.

good morning, summer!

School's finally out! I'm not loving it much yet...I've still got to find a new job since I've quit my old one. :X I'm just no good with mean people, especially if they're the ones I'm working for.

Points I forgot to blog:
-I'm living on campus next year to see if it helps me study any harder! I'm a bad, bad student.
-My boyfriend's senior prom is in 2 weeks! I can't wait to go. I love being dressed up.
-I bought a pet albino rat yesterday. Her name is Stella. You might think rats are gross, but she's just a little baby and I promise she's not gross. She's the cutest thing I've ever seen and SO cooperative with being handled. :P


Isn't my dress amazing? And Stella adorable? I thought so, too. :)


xoxo

push push back up on it

It's probably a phase, but I'm fondling this new idea of happiness. I want to do what makes me happy. Everyone around me is miserable. People at school, people I pass on the street, my family, businessmen at Panera. Everyone hates themselves. And from whom am I taking advice on how I should be going about growing up and living my life?--These miserable people. So I'm going to start experimenting and taking my OWN advice...and doing what I think is going to make me happy. That's my update. Byez.


xoxo

3.27.09

I've been really stressed out lately. Talked with my boss...I'll only be working three days a week now. It's just hard for me to concentrate on everything and still be able to sleep and get my own shit done. Life's taking its mental toll on me. I don't think I was ever ready for college. Or the real world, for that matter.

Britney's tonight with Melissa. I can't believe it's already here. I've been looking forward to this since before Christmas. I wish Britney wasn't so intangible...I'd thank her for helping me to take my mind off of things. She's an amazing person. I hope she knows how inspiring she is.

Then I fall back to planet Earth tomorrow. Work 10-3 and then take my Villarin dress to see about getting it altered for prom. The last part should be exciting. Then I have the rest of my day to (hopefully) sleep.

If anyone's bothering to read, what are you doing this weekend?

I still can't figure out why they chose the ugliest guy ever to be Edward. Not that I like admitting that I ever was a fan of Twilight, even if I read the books before anyone had even heard of them.

Moving on.
-Worked from 10-3 today. Made $70. Which isn't bad considering no one came in until 12:30. Got yelled at some, but I'm over it until tomorrow.
-Went to the Salvation Army with Mom...got the Men are From Mars... board game from like, what, the 80s? Correct me if I'm wrong. It was just cute, and $.99. Also bought a pair of gray biker shorts, yellow shorts, an old Penguins sweatshirt, and a teal colored flannel. Fun, fun.
-Ate with Mom at Sharky's. I had a crab cake sandwich, yummm. I'm going back ASAP. It was adorable there.

Another month until school's done for the summer.
Britney's Friday.
Root canal Wednesday.
I'm tired of being so boring.

xoxo

So... Keeping up with the Kardashians. I wish I could go to jail and get all kinds of attention for it. Kim's so fucking ugly. I wish anyone agreed with me. They're all ugly. All of them except Kris. Get that, huh?

Anyhow, no theater today. I thought I skipped it Monday but turns out there wasn't class at all.
OH. I got a new job! I'm a waitress at an Italian restaurant called Jioio's. :) I'm a shitty server and I hope I get better with time...it just might not be for me. And in that case, I just might have to work at a store in the mall. :(
Mmm, high school track meet today.
Britney's next Friday.
I get a root canal next Wednesday and my hair done Thursday.
That's about all that's going on in my life. A month left of school. I can't wait for summer. I lost a few friends, so I'm at a record low. I'm staying on campus next year for sure. We'll see what happens.

xoxo

Thank you Leighton!

1.Who was your FIRST prom date?
Jared, Junior prom.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Still with him!

3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink?
Hmm, probably wine.

4. What was your FIRST job?
I was a dishwasher for the Wagon Wheel. ;)

5. What was your FIRST car?
Eclipse.

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Hmm, Jared.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
Not sure, I was pretty groggy.

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs. Durco.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
Well...I'm pretty sure it was to Mexico.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
Karlene and not really.

11. Where was your FIRST sleepover?
I have no clue!

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
Jared I think.

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
My Aunt Tonya's.

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Roll over and go back to sleep. :)

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Dixie Chicks.

16. FIRST tattoo?
"Stay Gold" on my left wrist.

17. First piercing?
Ears.

18. First foreign country you ever went to?
Canada.

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing in the theater?
101 Dalmatians.

20. FIRST Detention you had
7th grade, because I wasn't ever prepared for English. :P

21. What was the first state you lived in?
Pennsylvania.

22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
Will be Jessi. :)

23. If you had one wish. What would it be?
I just want a band!

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
To dance.

25. Who do you think will be the next person to post this?
No one!

watching E!

I was supposed to go shopping with Michelle, but that fell through. Not much is new. I've settled with myself over college. I'm staying on campus next year. No Oakland, no transferring to Seton Hill or St. Vincent. I have to face things and get over myself. I'm almost positive that I'll be rooming with Jessi.
Angelina Jolie's a lot more interesting than I thought. E!'s does a great job at that. Always.
I need to go to Monroeville before Fashion Mews sells out again.
I need to sell my prom dresses, and some of my clothes.
I need to shower and clean my room.
I hope I don't walk out tomorrow at work.
I hope Red Robbin wants me.
I just checked...Fashion Mew is already gone again.
Calling Red Robbin now.
Wish me luck.


xoxo

I don't have a title for this. I hate college. I like Greensburg, but I can't focus here. I hate how I'm such a freak. I hate how when I go back to high school, I feel important because 3 people hug me and talk to me. It's so simple. Those people are my friends. They're not close to me, we don't talk a lot, but they like me and it's genuine. It's been so long since I've felt that with anyone. It was such a relief to just be talked to. I think I need to get out of here. I want to be in Oakland. If I can't have friends, I need the city. It motivates me and inspires me. Fuck you if you don't know what I'm talking about. Fuck you if you've never felt passionate about anything. I have and I know that where I am isn't where I'm supposed to be. I just wish someone could tell me what I need to do to be there.

No, seriously.

If I could, I would take a pair of blunt stylist scissors and cut off both of your balls, although it might not affect you much, seeing that to the extent of anyone's knowledge you've never used them anyway. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. And fuck you again.

....

In the past week....
Last Friday I wrecked my car and tore off my front bumper. I'm getting it fixed so it's no big deal but it was embarrassing.
This past Tuesday, I went with Michelle, Travis, and Anita to Washington D.C. to watch the inauguration. It was terribly cold and we were at the Washington monument, not the reflecting pool but it was the atmosphere that really made it. I had an awesome time even though I almost froze to death.
This Wednesday, my pap died at the hospital. He fell and went into a coma, so he never heard me tell him I love him. It was really, really hard. Today was the funeral. I think I might've cried more than anyone.
I'm planning to get a tattoo of a fighter plane on my right shoulder for him.




xoxo

There are obvious things about me, too.

I mean, things that should be obvious to me, but aren't.
Like that I hate therapists, because they think they can read me but they can't. Even when most of my friends respect them and even don't mind talking with them and being told what their thoughts meant. I can't stand that.
And the way that I'll tweeze my eyebrows and shave my legs and paint my fingernails when I'm home alone but still wear sweats. It's like my true physical appearance means the most to me than it should for everyone else in my mind. The way I dress myself is what's for everyone else. I don't get that one, though.
I can't remember anything else.

And if these things that should be obvious aren't even obvious and clear to me, then how can I expect other people to notice them? I really am a hypocrite. All the time.





xoxo

Snowed In.

Last night, I had a small realization of the notion that there are people all over the world, and many more than half of them live very unlike me. Then, it was me noticing the luck I have living so close to the nearest city, which is Pittsburgh. So many people have to drive hours to get to "the city." Some people even have to drive at least an hour to get to the nearest shopping mall. That's completely INSANE to me. I've never had that. If I want chips or juice, I drive 10 minutes to Wal*Mart. A lot of people can't do that. CRAZY!
Now, my realization is that so many people are much luckier than me by NOT. HAVING. SNOW. I hate snow! I woke up today (at 1:30 p.m., mind you) with about 4 feet of snow on the ground. How inconvenient is that? I can't go anywhere. Most of you probably think (if anyone read my blog at all), staying at home's not that big of a deal, but it really is to me. I'm not okay with just relaxing with myself. I'm not okay with being alone. It gives me too big of an opportunity to be with myself. I can't face myself, which is something I'll have to get over at some point, but I'm not ready to just yet. For now, I'll just bitch until the snow melts.



xoxo

Better off as Lovers

Car status: wrecked. parked. immobile.

New bumper's on its way. Fuck me.






xoxo!

I will NOT give into this.

From Lorrie to Me (10:11)

You need to take a good look at yourself. Who you are. Are you proud of how you treat people? The lack of respect you have for people? Family, in particular. You treat your family with the least amount of respect of anybody. You're not any better than anybody else. Are you proud of who you are? You always say how stupid your dad is. What has he done for you? You make fun of his family. Do they not love you? You constantly yell at Cole and put him down. You don't think that hurts him? He loves you. And the things my family says you say about me. I guess I've not done anything for you. You make fun of Aunt Tammy and Gram. How do you think Pap feels to hear all of this? He's helped you ALL of your life, too. You're not any better, by no means, than anyone else. You're just another one of us. What's happened to you? The only time you're pleased with family is when they're giving you something or doing for you. What's wrong with you? Don't you love your family? The people who love and have helped you the most? We've all just about had enough. Everyone of us have helped you and this is how we're treated for it. I'm not proud of the way you've been treating everyone. You need to take a hard look at who you are. You need to think about your family. Your damn lucky you have such a good support system. A lot of kids/people don't have that. It's very sad.




I've learned not to say anything back. It's the only way to beat it. Wihtin a year I think I need to transfer colleges to get away from all of this. There's nothing else left to do. There's no other way to avoid all of the people in this small town that she spreads this shit to. I hate that I have to say that my mother gets to me this way, but I can't run from it anymore.
My most important goal in life is to not end up like her.


xoxo

sinking

rather quickly.

You could tuck me into it if you wanted to.

I spend so much time helping other people that I forgot how to help myself. I just wish someone would try to help me back. I forget how to be independent. I forget how to be punctual and thorough. I wish that you would see this. I doubt you ever will. Not soon enough, at least.




xoxo

This is the way you wish your voice sounds.

Where is my most comfiest shirt? I seem to have lost it... Perhaps I should wash some tomorrow, if I can't sleep late enough. I'm so tired all of the time. I wish I could stop it, but it seems to have really gotten a hold of me. Being awake, I mean. I don't fancy it, nor do I fancy the cold. How dreadful it is knowing that we're only in the month of January!

I want to sleep, but I feel like I'm forgetting something. I'm forgetting to do something. I think I just expect more out of my day. But it's 12:03 am and I'm afraid that the day's already over. I won't get much out of tomorrow either, considering I work at 5. And on Sunday, Jared works. Monday I go back to school. I just want to be done. I hate it. I hate not having friends. I hate feeling empty. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't get drunk or high or make sexy with everyone, yet my grades still suck. I pay attention in class and do my work, but it's not good enough and I can't figure out why. I don't understand how other people can skip class and be out of reality for the majority of the semester and then pass with a perfect GPA. What's wrong with me? Why do I even have to go to school? I hope it's worth it. I just want to live the dream. I want to live MY dream.

xoxo