you wanna touch me, too.

It's been a while hasn't it? I haven't been busy--I just don't see the point in updating a blog that no one acknowledges, even if a blog's supposed to be a personal thing. I take that back. Blogs aren't personal. The only reason anyone even creates a blog to begin with is to get noticed. Whatever.
So... things that have happened...first semester of college has ended. B+,C+, and A. I'm okay with it I guess. I struggled. Thanksgiving. Busy, fun. Christmas. Busy, even more fun. I appreciate my family when I have to. Christmas really forces me to realize the love I have for these people. At least for most of them.
I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I stay up until 3 usually, and wake up as early as 7. I wish I knew why. I doubt it does much good for me. I feel like I have an ongoing migraine. I'm not complaining though--it's my fault.
Shopping down Carson Street tomorrow with Michelle.


Until Later,
xoxo

& you'll do what I like and you'll like it.

Rule of winter #1:
When all else fails, nap. Often.

no ones reads this soi don't care. i'm so fucking sad.i don't want to wake up anytmore i don't want to do my homework i dont wantt o go to wrok i dont want to talkt o anyone. i dont know what tod o. i dont know what i can do anymore. i try so hard to be ahppy i've been a really nice person i think lately to m=poeple and i eat nromally and i've been doing really well in school i just cant do it anymore. i'm lying to myself. i hurts so much. u i feel like thers a huge hole in me. today my doctor asked me if i wever thought arvout hurting mysefl.

If you catch fire, I wouldn't piss to put you out.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow at noon. Thank fucking God. I need my meds upped terribly, not to mention a prescription for my migraines and maybe something for anxiety. I really can't wait. Shopping the rest of the day, which I am also super excited over. Maybe, maybe, if I'm not too lazy I'll upload some picturessss.


xoxo
Brooke

What did we ever do to these guys that made them so violent?

I'm really happy where I am. I hope you're happy, too. All I want is to see you with someone else, though. I'll wait for that day and then I will sleep unburdened.


Yesterday was fun. I went to Eat n Park with Mom & Cole, then I went to the mall and met up with Natalie. I got my winter coat--it's grey wool and it's by Guess. I like it a lot. It was originally $185 and I got it for $85. I also got a pair of jeans for $8, and later I found a cool 80s looking sweatshirt and a black velvet BCBG dress at the Salvation Army. I feel safe to say that I had a good day. I'm going shopping again on Tuesday. I have a feeling that it's going to be hard for me to find anything that I'll want.
After the mall, we just kind of drove around a bit and went back to Natalie's house and made pasta that we didn't eat. We wanted to go to Club Ice to be assholes, but decided that it wouldn't be worth the $10 admission price.
Dad's up in my room painting right now. I got my new vanity into place, and I've organized mostly everything in my room. I'm really excited about it. I'm sure anyone would be after sleeping in a daisy yellow-colored room for ten years.


xoxo
Brooke

Suicide season.

Sometimes,
more than anything
all I want is to be able to give up.
I wish I could take the easier path. I wish I could let myself.

I know something you don't know.

I was up until 5 in the fucking morning last night, sick. And now I have to meet Mom for breakfast in an hour. Fuck me.

xoxo

Everybody, get the fuck out.

Work, work, work.
Worked last night, work today. I put in an application yesterday at Victoria's Secret for the holidays. I want to stay at the Boulevard, but I want something on the side, too. I don't see anything wrong with working with bras and underwear for 3 months and getting a 30% discount, do you? Didn't think so.
I met Chrissy at the mall yesterday during my break. It was really nice to see her, considering it's been so long. There's something about meeting with an old friend that's unbeatable. I can't describe it, but I'm sure you know what it is I'm talking about.

Off to the side a bit, I'm sure something's wrong with me and this feeling will pass quickly, but I'm kind of excited for winter. I'm about as excited for winter as I am when it gets randomly warm during the week. This will be the first winter I've spent at my dad's in about 4 years, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm glad that I'm able to drive, even if I'll get snowed in a lot, and I'm glad that I practically have the house to myself. Winter's kind of peaceful. I can sleep through most of it and not feel guilty about it. We'll see how it goes...


xoxo
Brooke

Operator-rator, won't you tell me again?

IT'S SO FUCKING COLD. Seriously, I wish there were a huge heat machine hovering over Pennsylvania that cancelled it all out. I think that's what some people refer to as global warming. Oh, wait. Global warming doesn't exist.
Fuck, I'm so glad this semester's almost over. I just hope to the godly entity in the sky that I'll have all my money to Pitt in time to even register. Hmm, wouldn't it be nice to not register at all? Wouldn't it be nice to have been born by a rich socialite. Wouldn't it be? Wouldn't it be?
This is so repetitive, but day after day I feel like I experience an odd form of dejavu. I'm remembering myself more clearly and although I feel that it's protruding, everyone continues to tell me that I'm becoming more and more distant. I wish sometimes that I could just disappear. But I do too much wishing.

Tomorrow I'm going Christmas shopping with Natalie. I suppose I'm helping her, more than likely. Until I can land a waitress job, I won't be doing much shopping ever. It sucks to be a college student. I feel like a starving artist, minus the starving and artist part.
Every day I look forward more and more to my next physician appointment. How psycho does that sound? Seriously, though. The more I think about the possibility of having these nodule bitches removed, the more impatient I get. It'd also be nice to have some migraine medication, and to have my Zoloft upped. Oh, the joy of being an unhealthy youth.
Until next time....



xoxo
Brooke

Supernatural Eyes

He took the circus
and the courthouse
Built her both in the same vicinity
Go and cut her open, then
Leave her lying in the bathtub, fright smeared on her face
with some makeup from last night's dead town excursions
She looked for herself in the grey waters of the new city
but everything was dirty, dirty, dead, and dry
Leave her lying in the bathtub for baby to find
When he comes from his first love in the afterlife
He wouldn't never leave radio for her
Poor girl hated to see him around anyone else
Especially when he got into the skeleton planes
She's nothing but a love ghost now
Take the train through the virgin cities from Portland!
Tell them you were robbed by death angels!
They'll eat your words
And put you on the 8 o clock news
He'll never think of the blonde he ran from
And all she wanted was a rainbow kiss
Baby, do you think I'm crazy? You're a fucking doll.
They never thought he'd be such a dick
Cake boy crying for peace and justice in front of a drunken audience of street dogs
They tore her shirt off as the credits rolled
Boys wearing rings don't like sluts, you know
He's just a heartbreaker, they'd seen it before
Her energy was polluted from the pond where she swam
but you've got to give her some credit for trying
They tore off her clothes and tossed her to the sea
She begged the violet clouds for redemption but they pushed her further into the plantation
Is she a vampire or is she a witch?
Bring her up and burn her to pieces
Blow her ashes through the telephone wires
We're going to fucking party tonight
She's a carnivorous sinner
She got what she deserved
That wife of his is really something
She was really something
Now she's just yesterday's rotting headlines!

eckspektayshun

baby's in the carseat
i make him sit while i'm inside
i should've listened while he read my fortune
but i'm really no good at math and
i wish they'd get it fucking straight
baby shouldn't take the blame
when the heat gets to my
brain like this
and i don't know which side of the
mirror to come out of
but baby's still in the car, you know
he cries and screams but i say
SHUT. UP.
honestly, your expectations are always too high
but isn't this what you do?
i'll sue music television a thousand times for fucking misrepresentation
see, i just got into the business
but you're the one that should be on the ground
don't you know i want your life?
i want your body
i want your wife
like you said, i'd kill a moon for you
when you open your mouth
my world falls so apart
and you look so good above me
sweat, it's almost like the real thing
hell, even courtney would be more obtainable
i live in a dream until anyone breaks my heart
this is not who i really am.

In time, little girl, they'll forget your face...

Ugh. Last night I went to see Jaguar Love at Mr. Smalls. It was really exciting for me because I've been a HUGE fan of the Blood Brothers for years. They're nowhere near as good as the Blood Brothers, but I'm not complaining, either. Natalie came with me. We used her GPS. I really need to get myself one of those. I talked to Johnny for a bit. There weren't many people there, which really made it better, and Johnny was right in front of me practically the entire time. It was one of the best shows I've been to in a long time. Seriously, they were amazing. Johnny signed my shirt and stuff and I got some pictures. It was a crazy night. I'm done for now before I freak out again.

OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA

Welcome

to

the

New

America,

bitches!

xoxo
Brooke

I call it dope boi magic.

I don't think I've ever blogged on my car before. I'm waiting for Jared to get done washing his so that he can get to mine.
It's a really nice day. Typical fall, but still flip flop weather. It's relaxing.


I wrote this last week.
I'm posting it because I have nothing else to blog about.
I hate being so boring.



sometimes I feel unreal
& my past is a life I have not seen in centuries
my past life is a ghost knocking down my door
looking for me every fucking day.
i try not to be home.
i've gotten quite well at blocking out the voices
they love to scratch at my bedposts
they love it when I cry
they hated me ages ago
& they hate me now I'm bitter
sometimes I bother greeting them
but usually my head is bowed in shame
I welcome them as royalty
they'll always be the mansion
spitting dirt all down my throne.


xoxo
Brooke

I'll let you come and sneak a peek.

Rocky was so disappointing. I wish you could have been there.



Got back to Jared's at 3 last night. I was too tired to drive home, so I just spent the night. We woke up around noon and made each other animal pancakes and watched Unsolved Mysteries. I just got home a little while ago.
Dad and I moved all the furniture out of my room. Aunt Rhonda & Uncle Chuck are coming at 6 to see if they want it for their cunt of a daughter, Kristin. Thank God it's finally all out. Now I can paint and get new shit. Maybe then I'll be able to acknowledge my room as a living area.

Natalie's coming over in a few minutes. We're going to do some homework and eat pizza. It sounds so nice.


xoxo
Brooke

All I want is a little respect. All I need is a little respect.

Today was Halloween. All Hallow's Eve. Jared's birthday, although he and I mostly celebrated on Wednesday.
Today was the final football game of GS's season against Hopewell. They called it a "contest." Costumes technically weren't allowed. I didn't understand. I went as a referee, and got talked shit on as usual.
We went to Pizza Hut afterwards. The wings were bad. The pizza was average. I don't like Pizza Hut much. We went back to Jared's for some "birfday love." The family celebrates tomorrow. I can't wait to see what he gets from them.

I haven't much to say.
I'll post something more tomorrow possibly.
It's hard to find motivation to keep blogging, considering no one cares about my blog.


xoxo
Brooke

I'll show you how official midgets jack me off.

Ahah boring day my CUNT! Where the hell do I start?
Okay, so my last class was at 3. Melissa calls me at 2:30 screaming about Obama at Mellon Arena. So of course I go and tell my teacher that I'll be missing class today AND Wednesday (supposedly due to a dentist appointment--it's really Jared's birthday party day), and we hit the road to DA BURGH. Oh my god, so much fun! Barack was really awesome. He's an amazing speaker and he's so damn white. Seriously, have you heard him talk recently? SO WHITE. He kept it short and sweet, too. ;) It lasted an entire hour and a half.
After the show, Meliss and I obviously wanted tee shirts, no? Everyone wanted fucking ten dollars for them. Like, is that a joke? Those shirts are made so cheap. Well, I was born to bargain, so of course I want the shirts 2/$15. But JAMAL here needed to go run it by CHIEF to see if we were good (like they'd notice a missing $5 anyway...). He took too fucking long though, so I just took my shirts and ran. They were busy anyway, I doubt they ever realized they were jipped.
THEN, after a tedious text-argument over Obama with my mother (who believes that, with Obama in office, the world will become overrun with racist black people), she decides she wants me to buy her a motherfucking pin. So I walk up to the guy with the pins, who's obviously a crack addict, and ask for one. $3 for 1, $5 for 2. I really only wanted one though, so then he gives me a rose and tells me he'll kiss me and give me 2 or something entirely lame so I freaked out and took my pin and left.
After the theft/crack-rapist incident, Melissa and I get lost in Oakland trying to get through detours to Monroeville, but we eventually find our way (no worries!). We stopped at the Arby's in M-VILLE and found a homeless woman washing up in the fucking bathroom. So scary! She didn't even have teeth...
Well, that was the extent of my day. If anyone bothers to read my blog, tell me about yours!

xoxo
Brooke

Some days I'm a super bitch.

I really try to like people. I'm just annoyed so easily-- that's why I'm here. I figure if I'm typing, it'll look like I'm doing something important and maybe they'll leave me alone. Or maybe not.

Today's going to be so pointless. I have absolutely nothing to do. Class 'til 4:15, the home probably. There isn't even anything for me to do at home. I'm afraid I'll be stuck on myspace filling out surveys all night. Anyone have any ideas? Give me something to do.

xoxo
Brooke

What do they know about that?

I think I'm going to forget about my homework for a little bit longer... although the thought of sleeping is so very nice. As much as I love Charl0tte Perkins Gilman, I'm just really not in the mood to write about her, especially since it's being forced upon me, you know?

Today Jared, Mum, and I took Luna on the Whisker Walk for the Humane Society at Twin Lakes. She's so damn cute. I bought her a bat costume at Old Nazy and personally, I think she looked the best out of all the dogs there. I mean, she's black and so were her wings, so it looked like they practically belonged to her. It looked like she was a bat! However, we didn't win best costume. :( I did get some food though, and Luna got some treats. The Gabriel girls were there, and they walked with us, which was nice. They're so weird, but I am too and I love it.
After the walk, Jared and I went back to his house with Loon and watched Apocalypto. He had to watch it and do some report on it for his final in History on the Screen, but we've already watched it a whopping motherfucking 6 times, so we probably could have done the paper on our own. I love Apocalypto, though. And I get the tinglies every time Jaguar Paw's on screen. What a nice Mayan, I'll tell you what.

So anyhow, now it's 11:00 p.m. and I'm home, prolonging this reading response for the Yellow Wallpaper until...right about now. Oh! I can check postsecret while I'm at it. I forgot that it is Sunday and there are new ones. Happy happy joy joy.
Sorry this post was so unproductive. I'm sure I'll get back tomorrow.

xoxo
Brooke

Oh, the thinks you can think.

So here I am. Brooke's blogspot post #1. Xanga couldn't cut it for me.

I'm really here to find myself. Can I say that enough? Sometimes I think that I know exactly who I am but that I just can't accept it. Most times I just think I got lost. Either way, I think blogging's a good way to let it all out until I figure out what's going on. It might improve my writing skills, too. Whoopee.

I guess I should have had a proper introduction:
Hello, everyone (or no one). My name is Brooke and welcome to my lovely blog, my humble blog. Make yourselves comfortable and stay for a while. Don't be shy--I won't bite (unless you're into that).



It's getting colder and colder (obviously). I really don't mind it that much, except that the sky darkens earlier. It tricks me into thinking that I should be in bed around 8 p.m. Oh, you tricky seasons, you! Fall also respresents the parasite (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and its gradual attachment to the host (me). As much as I dread this time of year, I am actually sort of thankful for it. At the moment, I am not sure why. Just believe me, though, I am.

At 10:16, I believe I'm about to fall asleep. I'll end on this note to anyone who can relate:
I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for not always being the best that I can be and I am sorry for not always being your guiding light. We all have to grow up at some point in our lives, and I believe that it's time for the both of us to learn what it is to do what we were born to, and to go our own ways until we find out exactly what we are indeed meant to do. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

xoxo
Brooke