In the past week....
Last Friday I wrecked my car and tore off my front bumper. I'm getting it fixed so it's no big deal but it was embarrassing.
This past Tuesday, I went with Michelle, Travis, and Anita to Washington D.C. to watch the inauguration. It was terribly cold and we were at the Washington monument, not the reflecting pool but it was the atmosphere that really made it. I had an awesome time even though I almost froze to death.
This Wednesday, my pap died at the hospital. He fell and went into a coma, so he never heard me tell him I love him. It was really, really hard. Today was the funeral. I think I might've cried more than anyone.
I'm planning to get a tattoo of a fighter plane on my right shoulder for him.
xoxo
20090124
20090119
There are obvious things about me, too.
I mean, things that should be obvious to me, but aren't.
Like that I hate therapists, because they think they can read me but they can't. Even when most of my friends respect them and even don't mind talking with them and being told what their thoughts meant. I can't stand that.
And the way that I'll tweeze my eyebrows and shave my legs and paint my fingernails when I'm home alone but still wear sweats. It's like my true physical appearance means the most to me than it should for everyone else in my mind. The way I dress myself is what's for everyone else. I don't get that one, though.
I can't remember anything else.
And if these things that should be obvious aren't even obvious and clear to me, then how can I expect other people to notice them? I really am a hypocrite. All the time.
xoxo
Like that I hate therapists, because they think they can read me but they can't. Even when most of my friends respect them and even don't mind talking with them and being told what their thoughts meant. I can't stand that.
And the way that I'll tweeze my eyebrows and shave my legs and paint my fingernails when I'm home alone but still wear sweats. It's like my true physical appearance means the most to me than it should for everyone else in my mind. The way I dress myself is what's for everyone else. I don't get that one, though.
I can't remember anything else.
And if these things that should be obvious aren't even obvious and clear to me, then how can I expect other people to notice them? I really am a hypocrite. All the time.
xoxo
20090118
Snowed In.
Last night, I had a small realization of the notion that there are people all over the world, and many more than half of them live very unlike me. Then, it was me noticing the luck I have living so close to the nearest city, which is Pittsburgh. So many people have to drive hours to get to "the city." Some people even have to drive at least an hour to get to the nearest shopping mall. That's completely INSANE to me. I've never had that. If I want chips or juice, I drive 10 minutes to Wal*Mart. A lot of people can't do that. CRAZY!
Now, my realization is that so many people are much luckier than me by NOT. HAVING. SNOW. I hate snow! I woke up today (at 1:30 p.m., mind you) with about 4 feet of snow on the ground. How inconvenient is that? I can't go anywhere. Most of you probably think (if anyone read my blog at all), staying at home's not that big of a deal, but it really is to me. I'm not okay with just relaxing with myself. I'm not okay with being alone. It gives me too big of an opportunity to be with myself. I can't face myself, which is something I'll have to get over at some point, but I'm not ready to just yet. For now, I'll just bitch until the snow melts.
xoxo
Now, my realization is that so many people are much luckier than me by NOT. HAVING. SNOW. I hate snow! I woke up today (at 1:30 p.m., mind you) with about 4 feet of snow on the ground. How inconvenient is that? I can't go anywhere. Most of you probably think (if anyone read my blog at all), staying at home's not that big of a deal, but it really is to me. I'm not okay with just relaxing with myself. I'm not okay with being alone. It gives me too big of an opportunity to be with myself. I can't face myself, which is something I'll have to get over at some point, but I'm not ready to just yet. For now, I'll just bitch until the snow melts.
xoxo
20090117
20090115
I will NOT give into this.
From Lorrie to Me (10:11)
You need to take a good look at yourself. Who you are. Are you proud of how you treat people? The lack of respect you have for people? Family, in particular. You treat your family with the least amount of respect of anybody. You're not any better than anybody else. Are you proud of who you are? You always say how stupid your dad is. What has he done for you? You make fun of his family. Do they not love you? You constantly yell at Cole and put him down. You don't think that hurts him? He loves you. And the things my family says you say about me. I guess I've not done anything for you. You make fun of Aunt Tammy and Gram. How do you think Pap feels to hear all of this? He's helped you ALL of your life, too. You're not any better, by no means, than anyone else. You're just another one of us. What's happened to you? The only time you're pleased with family is when they're giving you something or doing for you. What's wrong with you? Don't you love your family? The people who love and have helped you the most? We've all just about had enough. Everyone of us have helped you and this is how we're treated for it. I'm not proud of the way you've been treating everyone. You need to take a hard look at who you are. You need to think about your family. Your damn lucky you have such a good support system. A lot of kids/people don't have that. It's very sad.
I've learned not to say anything back. It's the only way to beat it. Wihtin a year I think I need to transfer colleges to get away from all of this. There's nothing else left to do. There's no other way to avoid all of the people in this small town that she spreads this shit to. I hate that I have to say that my mother gets to me this way, but I can't run from it anymore.
My most important goal in life is to not end up like her.
xoxo
You need to take a good look at yourself. Who you are. Are you proud of how you treat people? The lack of respect you have for people? Family, in particular. You treat your family with the least amount of respect of anybody. You're not any better than anybody else. Are you proud of who you are? You always say how stupid your dad is. What has he done for you? You make fun of his family. Do they not love you? You constantly yell at Cole and put him down. You don't think that hurts him? He loves you. And the things my family says you say about me. I guess I've not done anything for you. You make fun of Aunt Tammy and Gram. How do you think Pap feels to hear all of this? He's helped you ALL of your life, too. You're not any better, by no means, than anyone else. You're just another one of us. What's happened to you? The only time you're pleased with family is when they're giving you something or doing for you. What's wrong with you? Don't you love your family? The people who love and have helped you the most? We've all just about had enough. Everyone of us have helped you and this is how we're treated for it. I'm not proud of the way you've been treating everyone. You need to take a hard look at who you are. You need to think about your family. Your damn lucky you have such a good support system. A lot of kids/people don't have that. It's very sad.
I've learned not to say anything back. It's the only way to beat it. Wihtin a year I think I need to transfer colleges to get away from all of this. There's nothing else left to do. There's no other way to avoid all of the people in this small town that she spreads this shit to. I hate that I have to say that my mother gets to me this way, but I can't run from it anymore.
My most important goal in life is to not end up like her.
xoxo
20090112
20090110
You could tuck me into it if you wanted to.
I spend so much time helping other people that I forgot how to help myself. I just wish someone would try to help me back. I forget how to be independent. I forget how to be punctual and thorough. I wish that you would see this. I doubt you ever will. Not soon enough, at least.
xoxo
xoxo
20090102
This is the way you wish your voice sounds.
Where is my most comfiest shirt? I seem to have lost it... Perhaps I should wash some tomorrow, if I can't sleep late enough. I'm so tired all of the time. I wish I could stop it, but it seems to have really gotten a hold of me. Being awake, I mean. I don't fancy it, nor do I fancy the cold. How dreadful it is knowing that we're only in the month of January!
I want to sleep, but I feel like I'm forgetting something. I'm forgetting to do something. I think I just expect more out of my day. But it's 12:03 am and I'm afraid that the day's already over. I won't get much out of tomorrow either, considering I work at 5. And on Sunday, Jared works. Monday I go back to school. I just want to be done. I hate it. I hate not having friends. I hate feeling empty. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't get drunk or high or make sexy with everyone, yet my grades still suck. I pay attention in class and do my work, but it's not good enough and I can't figure out why. I don't understand how other people can skip class and be out of reality for the majority of the semester and then pass with a perfect GPA. What's wrong with me? Why do I even have to go to school? I hope it's worth it. I just want to live the dream. I want to live MY dream.
xoxo
I want to sleep, but I feel like I'm forgetting something. I'm forgetting to do something. I think I just expect more out of my day. But it's 12:03 am and I'm afraid that the day's already over. I won't get much out of tomorrow either, considering I work at 5. And on Sunday, Jared works. Monday I go back to school. I just want to be done. I hate it. I hate not having friends. I hate feeling empty. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't get drunk or high or make sexy with everyone, yet my grades still suck. I pay attention in class and do my work, but it's not good enough and I can't figure out why. I don't understand how other people can skip class and be out of reality for the majority of the semester and then pass with a perfect GPA. What's wrong with me? Why do I even have to go to school? I hope it's worth it. I just want to live the dream. I want to live MY dream.
xoxo
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